The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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