Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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