nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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