Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
He passed out mid-signature
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Randomize
