Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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