Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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