I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize