My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
