If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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