Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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