everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
