Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
