Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
