I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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