I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
