you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
