she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
