also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize