I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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