haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
