Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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