Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
