she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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