Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
