he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I think people are normalizing furries
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
