I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
