why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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