so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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