I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
