I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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