i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
