im drinking this country out of the recession.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
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