i just wanna soil my oats bro
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
