So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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