Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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