guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
