i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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