So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
