I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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