The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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