I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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