he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
