1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
