im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
one two three fourrrrnication!
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
