If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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