i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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