Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
