He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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