Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
