I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
