when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
