That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Dignity is for republicans.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
