Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Sacagawea was the original milf.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I'm at about main and main street
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
