we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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