it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
