When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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