Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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