can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I think I just sharted jello shots
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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