Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
