Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
