Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Randomize