I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
