Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
