Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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