i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize