You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
