Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
