a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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