She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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