He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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