You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
