i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
